In the Majjhima Nikaya scriptures, the Buddha said:
“The purpose of the holy life does not consist in acquiring merit, honor, or
fame, nor in gaining morality, concentration or the eye of knowledge.
The purpose is that unshakeable deliverance, the Sure Heart’s Release, that indeed is
the object of this holy life - that is its essence, that is its goal.”
This new blog is a project that feels like the opening chapter of a brand new book. For those reading who do not know, I am in recovery from, well, almost everything. I've been kicked around the mental health system with more diagnoses and acronyms than I can rattle off in the space of a page. And then there was the addiction. Prison got me clean and sober and I had been that way for 7 years when I realized that I was just going through the motions to get from one day to the next. Everything was gray and empty and I honestly was coming close to just giving up on myself and any hope that real serenity was possible. I found myself stumbling around in a spiritual wilderness trying to make sense of myself and the world and establish at least some semblance of fragile peace moving into the second half of this life on earth.
And so I went back to therapy...it was really all I could think to do. A randomly chosen therapist that uses mindfulness techniques to treat depression and anxiety pointed me to one of her favorite teachers,
Tara Brach, and all of the resources available on her
website. From there, I was led to books, and instruction, and community...and all of this seemed to come together to create a real desire in me to stop the war that I had been waging against myself for my entire adult life and really learn to tune in and bring a sense of love and care to my heart. So I listened. To anyone that would talk to me about it. I listened online, I listened in person, I read everything that I could get my hands on (much of which I didn't understand at all). And I meditated. Ok, at first I sat quietly and ruminated. For months, I sat quietly and ruminated. But I did it every day, and, eventually surprised myself with the realization that I had just spent 30 minutes watching crazy thoughts come and go without engaging them. Suddenly, I felt like a real Buddhist...a very unlikely Buddhist.
For more than 4 years...the dharma has been my very best friend. My practice has held me up through everything that has come my way, no matter how steadfastly I doubted it would. I find comfort here in this awareness of what is real and true...on some days, I can even call it peace.
I stumbled upon this path of compassion and awakening when I needed it most, and when I expected it the least. I guess you could call me an accidental Bodhisattva...
And it changes me for the better every single day.
