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| Photo: Howard T. Ezell Photography |
My mom used to say that we needed marriage counseling, Loco
and I. We certainly had our moments.
We had a lot in common, our hearts shaped by hard history
and the sting of rejection and misunderstanding. Severed belonging. I’ll always
believe that the universe put us in the same room in the shelter that day quite
on purpose, for we had so many lessons to learn from each other.
Loco topped out at 6 pounds, but had a personality as big as
the world and an attitude to match. At full stretch, he could occupy a
queen-sized bed in a way that, many nights, left me teetering on the edge,
clinging to the corner of the blanket he had taken from me and wrapped himself
in. He was a great dog…and like most great people I know, he wasn’t all that
well behaved. He could be sweet one minute, sassy the next, and then turn
absolutely defiant in a heartbeat. He tested my patience the way nothing else
ever has, and he opened my heart in a way that nothing else probably ever will.
If he could talk, he might’ve said the same thing about me.
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| Photo: Howard T. Ezell Photography |
I learned about unconditional acceptance and love from Loco…giving it and
receiving it. There was nothing he couldn’t forgive and, well, I could never,
ever hold a grudge for long with him either. I learned how the most maddening
things end up making the best memories, the funniest stories. I learned about
letting another heart connect with my own.
17 days ago, the lesson became one of impermanence. Suffering. Old age, sickness and death. Letting go.
How could I possibly have known of the enormous, empty
crater sized hole that would be left in my life in the absence of this 6-pound
dog? How I would so deeply long for the feel of his warm little furry body in
the crook of my arm as I write? How I would cry at least once every single day…not
just a tear or two, but the deep, heaving, choking, shoulder racking sobs of all-consuming
grief that feels like it has no end?
And when the waves feel overwhelming, I take refuge in the sense
of pure gratitude in my heart for how lucky I was to have this little creature in my life for
the time that I did. Gratitude to whatever gods may be that brought us
together. Gratitude for every lesson that I learned on my journey with him.
Even the letting go…
