Metta-Morphosis: Reflections on Becoming

The path holds me...carries me...transforms me...

So, I had to write about it.

Pick up a copy HERE

Into The Temple

http://living-in-a-limited-world-to.blog.co.uk/2012/06/27/enter-the-real-dragon-13946313/

It is not without fear

That I enter this holy temple

Beckoned through darkness

By promise of the light

Dwelling deep inside

Come out from the murky shadow

Who dares to block the path

Show yourself to me now

Breathing fire

In your most terrible

Dragon disguise

I will bow before you

Until your loudest roar 

Becomes a whisper

I will stand in silent witness

To all that is your armor

Grief, hurt, anger, shame

Until every scale falls away

Revealing truth

Reflecting radiance

Illuminating the path

Into the sacred center

c.sharshel

11/15/2015

Losing Ground: Learning How to Surrender

It's hard to believe that a full year has gone by since my mother passed away.  It sounds like such a long time, a year...but it feels like just a moment. I can still feel the warmth of her cheek on mine while I was whispering into her ear as her heart slowed and she took her final breaths.

It's remarkable how an entire life can get divided into "before" and "after" - how suddenly the reference point changes.

The moment I let go of my mother's hand that day, I tumbled over the edge of a cliff that I had only known in my worst nightmares.  Driven by panic and instinct, I flailed about recklessly and in vain searching for a handhold...a place to put my feet...anything to interrupt this terrifying, endless free fall into an encompassing abyss of grief and sorrow.  There is probably not a more effective way to learn to embrace groundlessness, than by the disappearance of the foundation of your entire existence.  

Some weeks after my mother's passing, I went to the park to meditate.  I sat on a bench with my eyes closed, following my breath and noting the sounds around me with the intention of just being in touch with the chilly winter morning that was unfolding.  After a few minutes passed, I was suddenly gripped by such intense panic that I actually gasped out loud.  My urge was to leave but, when I tried to get up, my legs felt paralyzed and I found I couldn't go anywhere.  So, I sat there breathing...hand on heart...reciting the only mantra I can come up with when I find myself so caught..."It's going to be ok.  It's all fine."  As I often do when I am struggling in my meditation, I began to call on my teacher in my mind.  What would she say to me in this moment if she were here?  I imagined her sitting quietly next to me on the bench...her presence supporting me...comforting me...holding space for this overwhelming fear and panic and sudden searing grief...gently reminding me to breathe, and breathe, and breathe.  

"I'm falling."  I whispered

"Yes."  She nodded

"There's nothing I can do about it and I hate it."  I said

"The resistance causes you to suffer, not the falling." She reminded me

"I don't know what to do."  The anxiety was growing again.

"Just let it happen."  she replied, and reassured me that she would stay right there as long as I needed her to.

In the moment I really sensed the very difficult truth that there was nothing to hold onto...and nothing to break my fall...there was such a sense of devastation - and then, such a deep, deep relief.  Understanding the absolute nature of the reality before me gave me what I needed to completely surrender to the falling...to the hurting...to the churning, dark, waves of grief that were cresting and crashing within.

Throughout this year, I have found myself returning to this place of surrender over and over again.  Some days, I surf and swim and some days it's more like treading water while the waves repeatedly crash down on my head, leaving me coughing and sputtering and gasping for air.  Every once in a while, the current will wash me up onto a tiny island beach...deserted and still...where I can look out over the beauty and vastness of the ocean that I belong to and replenish my energy for when the next rip tide comes to pull me out again.  

Time and again, my cushion supports more than just my posture as I navigate these waters...as I learn to live in groundless space.  It is the place where I go to remember...to remember my mom, to remember my heart, to remember the love of belonging.  It is the place I go to find safety, to touch reality, to understand truth.  It is a flotation device when the waves are high and my energy feels low - keeping me afloat and allowing me to rest until I have the strength to press on again.

I am so grateful for this path and the way these teachings hold me, guide me, and sustain me through whichever of the 10,000 joys or sorrows happens to be visiting in this very moment...

And this one...

And this one...

And this one...

Sangha

Sangha

Namaste, my friend

I see the light inside you

No matter the joy or sorrow

That is in your heart right now

Let us sit together

In noble silence or

 Conscious conversation

Let us grow together

With compassion

And healing grace

Let us wake up together

Each as a mirror to the other

A reminder of the goodness

The truth of who we are

c.sharshel  

10/10/2015

*Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ending the War

5 years ago, if someone had shown me a photo of what life would look like today, I would have wholeheartedly laughed out loud.  If they had told me that, in the middle of the deepest grief and heartache of my life...as I was being battered and tossed by hurricane force winds and waves, I would wake up somehow in sacred space...I would have called them crazy right to their face.  If they had told me that, in 5 years, the whole landscape of my existence would be changed, I would have nodded politely and walked away shaking my head.

And yet, it all seems so.

Somewhere along the line, the raging, bloody, loud, relentless war with myself became a distant, intermittent whisper.  I don't know when it happened, or just how...one day, it just was.

I noticed that the language in which my head spoke to my heart had changed...less judging, more kind...

I noticed a certain tone of willingness in my life...to see...to stay...

One day, after a long period of pain...searing, ripping, blinding pain...I woke up and realized that something had shifted.  In that pause, for that brief moment, nothing hurt...everything was ok...nothing was wrong with me...and, maybe for the first time...I really touched that.  I believed it.

I trusted in the goodness of this heart beating in my chest.

Compassionate...loving...

Sacred space...

(It is almost a given that I will forget again.  So I decided to write it down)

~~~~~~~~~~

One of my favorite talks about ending the war with ourselves is a recent one from Tara Brach - "Radical Acceptance Revisited" - there is so much good stuff in it that I can't even fit it all onto the page.  Listen to the whole talk HERE.  (You can also visit her website at www.tarabrach.com for a ton of talks and guided meditations - all offered freely)

October Leaves

October Leaves

The changing October leaves

Shifting, turning, blazing

Like fire against the autumn sky

Bold, brilliant, burning

The most spectacular turning

Swirling dance

Like they have something to prove

I wonder if they know

That their most glorious days

Are passing into the

Blustering breeze

Do they fear the letting go

Into their final falling?

c.sharshel

10/08/2015

Cease-Fire

Cease Fire

Not enough

Not worth love

All these words

Versions of violence

Self-perpetrated

Weapons and walls

Destruction and division

Waging war with my own heart

What a gift to know

That the cease-fire begins

With the very realization

That I don’t have to believe

Everything this mind

Thinks up

c.sharshel

9/19/2015

May every judging thought be tempered by wisdom and the greater truth of the life inside of this heart.  May the cease-fire hold strong, so that, even in the face of failure and adversity, it may respond with compassion and grace, and may this shift serve to awaken genuine understanding and awakening  that ripples out in ever widening circles to all hearts everywhere.

Stay

Stay

The day falls away

Like leaves in November

While this mind settles

Into the rhythm of sitting

Breathing in, breathing out

Quiet attention

What is the state of 

My heart right now?

Knotting, clutching

Aching sadness

Bigger than the walls

That surround me

The life outside this room

Calling with the promise

Of numbing distraction

The life right here

Gently whispering

Stay…

c.sharshel

9/12/2015

On Seeing and Being Seen

On Seeing and Being Seen

Every day, someone looks at me

With their eyes

Making wild guess judgements

About the length of my hair,

The color of my skin

The maker of my shoes

Never knowing what is real

Or who I really am

Once, someone looked at me

Through a compassionate heart

And all that was invisible

Was revealed in the light of it

Pain, fear, love, hope

Fresh wounds and old scars

Longing and aspiration

And my own heart smiled

Under that gentle gaze

In the clarity of both seeing

And being truly seen.


c.sharshel

9/06/2015

May all that I see be seen, not through my easily deceived eyes, but through the soft focus of a compassionate heart.  Informed by this clearer vision, may this heart be a mirror...reflecting love back to another, and another, and another in ever widening circles.  May all beings be seen…known…awake...free.

Finding Gold Beneath the Clay

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.  In fact, it may

 be necessary to encounter the defeats so you can know who you are, 

what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it."  

~Maya Angelou~

And so it approaches...August 23rd...

In 2003, this date was both an ending and a beginning.  Twelve years later, my introduction into this thing called recovery seems like a lifetime ago. Each year as I mark this date, I find myself reflecting on where I was then, and where I find myself now.  Particularly since stumbling onto this beautiful and sometimes challenging spiritual path, I often ask myself what it all means...you know, life, love, happiness, success, humility, generosity, clarity, staying sober...what does it all mean for me now?   How do my life experiences, past and present, serve the awakening of my heart?  How can they serve the awakening of hearts everywhere?  More and more, these are the important questions.

This year has been, without at doubt, the most difficult year I have faced since a catastrophic addiction to all things soul numbing landed me in the back of a police cruiser looking at the very real possibility of 10 years in prison. I have endured losses this year that I was completely unprepared for on my best day.  Crazy, gut wrenching losses in quick succession.  I lost my beautiful and beloved mother...the one person in the world that I was certain that I would never be able to live without.  In the midst of the shattering grief, I lost the trusted and valued therapist that was holding me together when it felt like I was breaking into a million tiny pieces.  I lost confidence in relating to other people and feeling like I was worthy of love and care.  I lost faith in my ability to perform at work, take care of myself  and, some days, I lost hope that anything could ever be ok again. There have been days that the best I could do was take a shower.  There have been days that I have scoped out bridges to jump from.  I have spent days at a time convinced that I would drown in the waves of grief and the acidic, searing pain washing over me.  My sobriety has been tested more in the past twelve months than it has been in all of the twelve years that I have been in recovery.  On a number of fronts, failure has been a bit of a traveling companion over the past year.  More than once, I have sat down to tea with the hungry ghosts of addiction...and still, I am in recovery...

I am in recovery, because falling short has given me the information that I needed to get back up, put one foot in front of the other, and walk away from what does not serve and run toward what does.

I am in recovery because I have learned not to make myself the villain or the victim in any story.  I have not battered myself with lies about being stupid or bad or crazy, but instead, have been honest and friendly with myself in the exploration of the triggers, and the conditioning, and the circumstances that have led me to stumble along the way.

I am in recovery because all of the work that I have done in the last twelve years has kicked into high gear...driving me to reach out to my community of supportive, loving others who consistently guide me out of the narrow alleys and remotest back roads of my mind and remind me that, no matter how far I've come, the plunge to the bottom is always way shorter than the climb to the top.

I am in recovery because, through it all, I have somehow managed to keep the dimmest spark of light in my sightline as I navigate through the dark, murky mazes of grief and uncertainty.

I am in recovery, because, regardless of any failure, there have been so many victories. Every challenge that I have faced this year has driven me to become more engaged and committed on my own spiritual journey.  I have found comfort and refuge in prayer and teachings and sangha.  My practice has deepened exponentially as I have grown in the ability to pay attention and accompany myself through the reality of what is right here, right now, no matter what.   "Forgiven, forgiven" and "This too" and "It's ok" have become my mantras and my heart's companions as I purposefully practice the most radical self compassion that I can call up on a moment to moment basis.

I am in recovery because the gratitude in my heart keeps it beating even on the worst days.  Gratitude for the love that surrounds me every day - the love of family, friends, teachers, and even strangers on the path.  Gratitude for the people that have given me chances I didn't deserve, offered their presence and held space for me when all I could do was weep...or stare...or ramble on and on making no sense at all, and those that cheered me on when I thought I couldn't take another step.  Gratitude for the Three Jewels and the refuge that I find there.  Gratitude for forgiveness and grace.

I am in recovery because I remember to pause more often than I forget. And every time I do...every time I give myself the chance to reflect upon what is in front of me, I give myself the opportunity to make a different choice...a wiser choice...a kinder choice...a loving choice that will serve my heart and my deepest intention to be clear in mind and my longing to be strong in spirit.

I am in recovery because, somewhere along the line I realized that healing isn't an event...it happens in each moment.  One moment, identification with brokenness may be strong, and in the next moment, it may not.  The moments that I am not identified with it will multiply over time...and maybe fall away again...it's a balance.  The middle way...

I am in recovery because I have finally found my way into trusting the goodness and wisdom of this wrecked, scarred, fractured heart.  Everything I seek is already here...it's already inside of me.  There is gold under the clay...no matter how ugly it looks from the outside.  I remember, and forget, and remember again...

I am in recovery because I know that, in the practice of rigorous, uncompromising honesty, both my failures and my successes - and the lessons they bring - may ripple out to others...strengthening their recovery and reaching out into a larger community in a way that brings healing and awakens compassion.

The thing about failure is...well, it gives us information...it motivates us to do better...it brings us face to face and right up close with what doesn't work...and helps us to remember what does...

Really, it's all just feedback...showing us where we need to pay deeper attention.

Twelve years on and still so much to learn...

May these words find their way to the addict who still suffers
And those working this often imperfect program of recovery
And to all of those who love and support us
May our growing love and compassion 

Fill and satisfy the hungry ghosts that haunt us

May we be held in grace and lovingkindness

And may these broken hearts know wholeness and peace...

May every heart everywhere know wholeness and peace...
May all beings everywhere awaken and be free

Beyond Tiny Boxes

My thoughts on Independence day...we may be an independent nation, but we will never be a free nation until each and every person has equal access, opportunity, and freedom from the oppression of racism, discrimination, hatred, and economic disparity.  I really believe this...we will never be free people until we can learn to see beyond the differences between us and embrace the ways that we are the same.  We are all trying to survive, thrive, and belong.  We all simply want to love and be loved...

Beyond Tiny Boxes

Words and images

Harsh and relentless

The devastation of so much

Person on Person violence

Searching for some explanation

For the state of everything.

In a world of tiny boxes

We are labeled and sorted

By the color of our skin

The shape of our bodies

The sound of our language

The size of our bank accounts

The person we love

Difference becomes deadly

When we cannot reach

Beyond arbitrary walls

That separate

And when we fail

In our understanding

That every human heart

Beats the same

c.sharshel

6/17/2015

Sunrise Prayer

Sunrise Prayer

Dawn breaks through the mist

Rising above the river

The edges of the sun

Blurry and soft on the horizon

Catching the current

Of the black water slipping by

My heart whispers lingering grief

Into the silence of this arriving day

Tears mingle with the forming dew

On the ground I sit upon

Until there is no difference

Between the two at all

In this empty, aching morning

A grateful prayer with every breath

May darkness serve to awaken

Illuminated presence everywhere

A brighter light that shines in all beings

To guide and carry us home.

c.sharshel

7/01/2015

Because Some Days You Just Can't Take Another Step...

I often feel like this baby elephant - and I am profoundly grateful for my "herd."  They surround, encourage, and help me up when it feels like I just can't take another step - never judging me for just collapsing in the road, but never letting me stay there either.  Sangha...

The Buddha Inside

The Buddha Inside

Today is one of 

Those days

When just moving

Feels like Sisyphus

Pushing the boulder

Up the mountain

And watching it 

Roll down again

Dropping to this cushion

Feels welcoming

And sacred

Nothing to do or be

Breathing in

Touching the grieving

The vast emptiness

The clutching fear

Breathing out

With understanding

Others feel this too

Over and over again

Coming back

Forgetting

Remembering

Resting

Held close

By the buddha inside

Of this breaking

Awakening heart.

c.sharshel 

6/1/2015

Anicca

It is not impermanence that makes us suffer.  What makes us 

suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not. 

~Thich Nhat Hanh~

Anicca - the absence of continuity, the absence of permanence...one of the three marks of existence.

Pema Chodron says "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know."  I am in such a season of sorrow and devastation just now.  What is it that I need to know?  What if I never learn what I need to know?  How may this unrelenting grief serve to awaken this already ravaged heart?

Today, it is easy

To sit in this chair

And anchor myself

Into this moment

My only task to notice

The sounds of the space

Arriving and departing

With an open heart, welcoming

With an open heart, letting go

If only it were so simple

After the bell

When the ground

Beneath me crumbles

When you are here

When you are not

Touching impermanence

With an open heart

Welcoming…
With an open heart

...letting go.

c.sharshel 5/28/2015

Dharma is Everywhere

Truth, teachings, the nature of reality.  Every moment is my teacher.  Today I saw a coffee cup with a fundamental truth of how we forget and then need to come back home.  Where I least expected it, the lesson was waiting.

Dharma is everywhere.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear...