Grateful No Matter What

Photo Credit: © 2016 Jonathan Foust                                                                                                  www.jonathanfoust.com

And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow

 the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?”

William Broyles Jr., Cast Away

It's the season of giving thanks in America. On the third Thursday of November, we gather with our families and friends, eat too much food, and settle into our tryptophan coma to watch football or plan our Black Friday shopping strategies. In these traditions, we celebrate abundance and relationship and take time to focus on remembering what is good in our lives. In my family, we always went around the table as we were settling in to eat, and each person named what they were thankful for . . . family, friends, a good jobs and financial stability, God, freedom, time off . . . those were the things that most often made the lists. The easy stuff.

At work this week, one of our celebrations of the holiday involved writing our own version of the gratitude list on a piece of paper to be displayed throughout the office. I admit that, in the wake of the presidential election just a couple of weeks ago, anxiety and fear have been at the forefront of my emotional landscape for the most part — so, even this small invitation to think about what I am thankful for felt difficult. After a couple of hours of sort of ignoring it, I finally picked up the marker and wrote, "All of it. Every. Single. Thing." A few days later, a co-worker was giving me a hard time. She said, "Really? Everything? So, that means you are grateful for Trump?"

Of course, my initial reaction to the comment was a rise of irritation with this person for what felt like an intentional jab at a still very open wound. I took some moments to let that settle before responding. In those moments, I came back to some recent wisdom from my friend and teacher, Tara Brach. She said, "Light often has to first peek out through the fog, creating strange shadows and mysterious shapes. And then, in surprisingly short time, the mists clear and reveal a brilliantly clear, bright day. It’s all beautiful, even the confusing, dreamy, disorienting parts." 

It's all beautiful.

It's so easy to practice gratitude when all is well. Of course we feel that expansion in our hearts when we experience the love of a child or dear friend, or when we buy our first home, or when we are rewarded and praised for a job well done. But what about when things are not going so well? What about when everything seems to go to hell and the world around us seems shadowy and confusing and even hostile?

That is the time, I think, that is most essential to dig down deep and find it. There is always something to acknowledge in our lives, even on the worst day. The most devastating and painful situations often bring the most spectacular blessings into our lives, if we can just hold on long enough for the fog to clear and reveal them. Even if there is nothing we can think of in this moment, we can be grateful for the truth of impermanence . . . the certainty that this, too, will pass.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with often debilitating depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, and addiction. These versions of Mara (suffering) visit more often than I would like, though not nearly as often as they once did. I am convinced that this is directly related to my meditation practice and ongoing engagement on this spiritual path. Learning how to stay present in this moment has so deepened my ability to feel gratitude for all that is good in my life and trust in the notion that everything that expands my heart does not disappear just because I have been plunged into some temporary darkness - just as when the sun sets, it doesn't cease to exist, and it doesn't stop giving off light and heat. It will rise again. Every. Single. Time.

For me, gratitude has to be a very intentional practice. It starts with recognizing the love and goodness in my life every day — not just giving it a passing glance, but really seeing and acknowledging it by expressing it out loud, over and over. Reaching out to others and telling them what they mean to me. Giving from my abundance — whether it is money, or kindness, or time — turning around and offering to others what is so often and generously offered to me.  

When I do those things, my heart grows. I savor that feeling. I sit with it. I memorize it — how it feels in my body and how it feels in my soul. And then, on the dark days, when the sun disappears, I can dig down deep and bring it right back. And I do. Purposefully. With great intention. And I sit with that. And while I am sitting with that, I consider what the darkness might offer to me. What will be my takeaway when the sun peeks out again and the fog burns away? What am I learning here? How might this serve to awaken? Can I be grateful for this too? Can I be grateful, no matter what?

So back to my co-worker's question. Trump . . . Trump will pass. Not quickly, and not without significant damage, but he will. The gift of impermanence. And, in the meantime, I will likely be given opportunities that can only be afforded to me through fear and struggle and, as a result, I will grow. I can trust that. I will grow more compassionate, more determined, more resilient. So, yes — cause for gratitude. Even for Trump.

I wrote this on my last retreat - just a few thoughts I jotted down, actually, before the election and it is still very present in my heart:

If, at the end of my life, there is a story to be told, I hope it is that the last words I uttered were, "Thank You." The thing is, even though the journey is so often fucked up and heartbreaking and the road is so often just barely passable, like my teacher says, "It's all beautiful." All of it. And the conscious choice — the choosing over and over again — to just keep going, led me to exactly where I needed to be all along.

And so, this year, my Thanksgiving prayer: 

May all beings trust the light even when it is difficult to see.

May we feel safe in these days of uncertainty

May we take the time to remember love and peace

May we live in gratitude

For ourselves, and each other

May all beings awaken and be free

All That I Wish For...Updated for 2016

The holidays are upon us and, the frenzy has begun in the marketplace. All over the internet, I see videos of Black Friday shoppers gone amok — snatching the blenders and video game consoles out of each other's hands and throwing better blocks and holds than I see most Sundays watching pro football. If you are one of the brave souls that camps out, waits in line, and goes forth into the front lines of battle for this season's hottest items, I admire and respect your courage - but on my holiday wish list this year, you will not find anything you can buy in a store. Just a heads up . . . 

In the wake of losing my mom, I have spent the last year taking a hard look at what is important . . . what I am spending my time on. Grief conspires to steal energy, so the need to figure out where to place my limited resources has been of the utmost importance. What do I really need?  What do I really want? What do I really value? How do I really want to spend the limited time that I have left after the rent is paid and the food is bought? What I have discovered is that the most important and meaningful gifts cannot be found in a mall and are far too priceless to measure. So, I saw a blog on Elephant Journal recently about free gift ideas and was inspired to write out my holiday wish list.  Here it is, in no particular order of desirability :)

Quality Time: Presence instead of Presents. Of the list of ways people feel love that Gary Chapman looks at in his book The 5 Love Languages, quality time is the one that most resonates with me. If you want me to really feel your care, spending good, uninterrupted, undistracted time with me is the greatest gift of all. Put away your phone (texts included) and have a conversation with me, go for a walk with me, eat a meal with me, meditate with me, go to a museum with me. It's the time together that matters...not what we do with it.

Connect With Me: In my wallet, I have a number of tiny pieces of paper — each with a note from someone I love and admire. I take them out and read them often when I am feeling down, when my confidence is low, or when I just need a little something to help me remember the love in my life. At the time they were written, it is unlikely that the authors had any idea what they would come to mean to me or that their value in my heart would grow and grow and grow. Call me on the phone, send me a letter, write me a note, shoot me an email, send me a text. Let me know that I randomly entered your thought stream on any given day.  It doesn't have to be long or fancy.

Create Something for Me: I have so many creative and talented people in my life . . . people that write, people that sing and play instruments, people that paint, people that build, people that draw, people that photograph. One of my most anticipated holiday gifts each year is the card I get from a local photographer and good friend. Every year, his card is a picture that he has taken, and it is always stunning. You put your heart into what you create . . . give me that.

Cook for Me: A meal, or a snack. Cookies . . . leftovers. I love to cook, and I know how much heart I put into everything that I make — especially when I know I am going to share it with someone I care about. Again . . .  I'm not fancy. It can be a 6 course meal or a grilled cheese sandwich or celery sticks with peanut butter. It's not about the food, it's about the offering. You want me to not be hungry. That says "love" to me.

Encourage Me: The second most resonating "Love Language" for me is words of affirmation. Tell me what is good about me. Tell me what I contribute to your life. Much of the time, I feel like a total fuck up — so words that counter that are true gifts. I hang onto them, I cherish them, and I remember them when I need them. Inspire me to do something that I normally wouldn't do, motivate me to reach a goal that I may be falling short of, remind me that I am ok exactly as I am.

Save Me Time and Money: One of my biggest irritations in life is driving. If I ever get the opportunity to live in a place with really good public transportation, I am so there. Offer to drive when we go somewhere. Offer me a spot on your couch if you know I will be in your neck of the woods on my travels. Drop me off or pick me up at the airport. Send me coupon codes for online sites or stores that you know I love and use.

One of Your Treasures: I have a rock that I carry in my pocket all the time. It was given to me by someone important in my life. She didn't go out and buy it for me. She had it and loved it, and thought it might be useful to me when I needed something to help me feel safe and grounded, so she gave it to me. It's a simple trinket, but it reminds me of her care every time I look at it. And that is a true gift indeed.

Make a Donation: I am one of the most blessed people in the world. I have all I need - food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, an education, a pretty secure, well paying job — this makes me a minority on the planet. So many people are without the most basic of necessities. Look into your heart, and out into the world.  Find something that connects us as humans and give where there is need. Do it in my name, or do it in your own...or even as a memorial (I can't think of anything that would make my mom happier).  It doesn't matter — these holidays are a time to make a difference for others. Do that. Here is a website with some really great ideas to get you started:  http://gifts.rescue.org

There you have it - all of the things that make me smile the biggest. No matter what faith you practice or holiday you celebrate, this is a season to pause a little (I know, I know...so hard in the busyness of it all), slow down, and remember to connect with the love that we have in our lives.

May you be filled with the spirit of the holiday season, no matter your celebration.  

May the love of all things holy and sacred dwell in your heart.

May all beings everywhere know goodwill, joy, and peace.