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| 2015 IMCW New Years Retreat Pearlstone Retreat Center - Reisterstown, MD |
And just like that, a new year is underway. 2015 ended and 2016 began with five days of
stillness and silence on a residential meditation retreat...my favorite place to be.
I am a firm believer that the first action that should be
taken to fix something that is broken or underperforming is to turn it off and
unplug it, wait a few minutes, and turn it back on.
Ctrl+Alt+Del…the most useful keyboard shortcut ever...
The Sacred Pause...
This seems to be what happens for me when I take the time to
step away from my busy life and dedicate time to intentionally turning inward
for an extended period of time. I am
always surprised at how, when things get quiet, my brain spirals out into its
conditioned patterns in a desperate effort to somehow restore the noise…the
distraction…like an overtired child that keeps chattering and fidgeting and thinking
up things to do, say, and need in order to avoid an approaching bedtime. But, when the circuit finally breaks, the clarity
with which I can notice each and every moment is nothing short of brilliant. In this space, even the most fragile, fractured pieces of me can be safely exposed into a light of tenderness and
compassion and my heart is unwavering in its
courage to welcome and hold them. The love I find in this place is real and true and pure. And then, of course, I have to go to the airport...
I can’t say that I have ever come home completely enlightened. But I have come home every time with more
awareness than I left with. I don’t have
a blank slate, but I have a new perspective on the things that are working in
my life and the things that are not.
This has particularly been true with this retreat with all of the
implications and anticipation of the new year ahead.
In 2015, there was a lot that didn’t work. The grief brought on by my mother’s passing
is ongoing, has been so complicated, and is bigger than I ever dreamed it would
be - and I dreamed it would be unimaginably and unbearably big. I thought it would be linear. I was wrong. It is still a day to day experience. I sit with it, I cry, I move into it and out of it. I am learning that maybe it is just a new way of being...that it might never "end" at all. I moved on from the frustrating job I had in January to a new
frustrating job that pays more, but still does not feed my
soul. I overestimated my energy and failed to follow through on a number of commitments. I have given into
fear…a lot. I didn’t lose weight, or
save more money, or organize my cabinets and closets, or exercise more. That being said...I believe I really did do the best I could. Maybe 2015 was meant to teach me about acceptance and kindness in the face of falling short. I got a lot of practice.
Not all is lost, though, because 2015 did bring about some
things that did work...often gloriously. I navigated a huge
disruption of a very important relationship in my life. It wasn’t perfect, but I weathered the storm
without any bridge burning or dramatic exits.
I took care of myself this year in ways that I have never really been
able to before by paying attention to my heart and doing my best to provide for
it ahead of anything else. Sometimes,
that has meant pulling away, other times, that has meant reaching beyond my usual comfort zone. Sometimes, it meant staying
home and saying no to everything, and sometimes, it meant going far from home
and saying yes to everything. The
willingness to do whatever is necessary has been a brave new milestone for me
this year. I want to grow that. Finally, I wrote a book. I could point out all of the ways that this very slender, self-published volume is not a “real” book, but I won’t. Because when I hold it in my hands and turn
the pages, I know that the words inside do not get more real…and the feeling in
my heart is both spectacular and terrifying.
Have I arrived or am I just setting forth? I don’t know.
More will be revealed, I suppose.
I have no specific plan for 2016, but I am interested and
open to whatever it brings (Although, I might mention in advance that I prefer
to avoid root canals, travel delays, tech failures, and pricey car
repairs). I want to continue to be uncompromising
in the care of my own heart and grow the ways that I reach out in caring for
others. I want to learn to let go of
what does not serve me without leaving claw marks. I want to love
both the waves and the still water. I
want to figure out how to live inside of my values. Right effort…Right livelihood. How can I take care of myself financially
while contributing to a world in which I can feel alive? What is the calling of my heart? I am pretty sure I know this, but what can I do right now, right here to live more authentically from that? Where can my talents and abilities be of the
most service to others? Where can they most
serve my own happiness? It’s a long way
from here to there, but I think it must start with inquiry: What is between me and joy? What is between me and happiness? What is between me and freedom? These are the questions that really resonate
as I head into the new year.
A verse from Rilke was a constant companion during my silent pilgrimage:
You, sent out beyond
your recall,
Go to the limits of
your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like a
flame
And make big shadows
I can move in.
Let everything
happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No
feeling is final.
Don't let yourself
lose me.
Go to the
limits of your longing. Flare up like a flame. Let everything happen. This is what I
want 2016 to look like…
May 2016 bring
blessings beyond measure and be all that you need it to be…
May you be healthy, prosperous, and full of joy...
May you, and I, and all beings everywhere know love, peace, and freedom...
