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2015 IMCW New Years Retreat                                                                               Pearlstone Retreat Center - Reisterstown, MD

     

And just like that, a new year is underway.  2015 ended and 2016 began with five days of stillness and silence on a residential meditation retreat...my favorite place to be.

I am a firm believer that the first action that should be taken to fix something that is broken or underperforming is to turn it off and unplug it, wait a few minutes, and turn it back on.

Ctrl+Alt+Del…the most useful keyboard shortcut ever...

The Sacred Pause...

This seems to be what happens for me when I take the time to step away from my busy life and dedicate time to intentionally turning inward for an extended period of time.  I am always surprised at how, when things get quiet, my brain spirals out into its conditioned patterns in a desperate effort to somehow restore the noise…the distraction…like an overtired child that keeps chattering and fidgeting and thinking up things to do, say, and need in order to avoid an approaching bedtime.  But, when the circuit finally breaks, the clarity with which I can notice each and every moment is nothing short of brilliant.  In this space, even the most fragile, fractured pieces of me can be safely exposed into a light of tenderness and compassion and my heart is unwavering in its courage to welcome and hold them.  The love I find in this place is real and true and pure.  And then, of course, I have to go to the airport...

I can’t say that I have ever come home completely enlightened.  But I have come home every time with more awareness than I left with.  I don’t have a blank slate, but I have a new perspective on the things that are working in my life and the things that are not.  This has particularly been true with this retreat with all of the implications and anticipation of the new year ahead.

In 2015, there was a lot that didn’t work.  The grief brought on by my mother’s passing is ongoing, has been so complicated, and is bigger than I ever dreamed it would be - and I dreamed it would be unimaginably and unbearably big.  I thought it would be linear.  I was wrong.  It is still a day to day experience.  I sit with it, I cry, I move into it and out of it.  I am learning that maybe it is just a new way of being...that it might never "end" at all.  I moved on from the frustrating job I had in January to a new frustrating job that pays more, but still does not feed my soul.  I overestimated my energy and failed to follow through on a number of commitments. I have given into fear…a lot.  I didn’t lose weight, or save more money, or organize my cabinets and closets, or exercise more.  That being said...I believe I really did do the best I could.  Maybe 2015 was meant to teach me about acceptance and kindness in the face of falling short.  I got a lot of practice.

Not all is lost, though, because 2015 did bring about some things that did work...often gloriously.  I navigated a huge disruption of a very important relationship in my life.  It wasn’t perfect, but I weathered the storm without any bridge burning or dramatic exits.  I took care of myself this year in ways that I have never really been able to before by paying attention to my heart and doing my best to provide for it ahead of anything else.  Sometimes, that has meant pulling away, other times, that has meant reaching beyond my usual comfort zone.  Sometimes, it meant staying home and saying no to everything, and sometimes, it meant going far from home and saying yes to everything.  The willingness to do whatever is necessary has been a brave new milestone for me this year.  I want to grow that.  Finally, I wrote a book.  I could point out all of the ways that this very slender, self-published volume is not a “real” book, but I won’t.  Because when I hold it in my hands and turn the pages, I know that the words inside do not get more real…and the feeling in my heart is both spectacular and terrifying.  Have I arrived or am I just setting forth?  I don’t know.  More will be revealed, I suppose.

I have no specific plan for 2016, but I am interested and open to whatever it brings (Although, I might mention in advance that I prefer to avoid root canals, travel delays, tech failures, and pricey car repairs).  I want to continue to be uncompromising in the care of my own heart and grow the ways that I reach out in caring for others.   I want to learn to let go of what does not serve me without leaving claw marks.  I want to love both the waves and the still water.  I want to figure out how to live inside of my values.  Right effort…Right livelihood.  How can I take care of myself financially while contributing to a world in which I can feel alive?  What is the calling of my heart?  I am pretty sure I know this, but what can I do right now, right here to live more authentically from that?  Where can my talents and abilities be of the most service to others?  Where can they most serve my own happiness?  It’s a long way from here to there, but I think it must start with inquiry:  What is between me and joy?  What is between me and happiness?  What is between me and freedom?  These are the questions that really resonate as I head into the new year.

A verse from Rilke was a constant companion during my silent pilgrimage:

You, sent out beyond your recall,


Go to the limits of your longing.


Embody me.

Flare up like a flame


And make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.


Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Don't let yourself lose me.

Go to the limits of your longing.  Flare up like a flame.  Let everything happen.  This is what I want 2016 to look like…

May 2016 bring blessings beyond measure and be all that you need it to be…

May you be healthy, prosperous, and full of joy...

May you, and I, and all beings everywhere know love, peace, and freedom...