Finding Gold Beneath the Clay

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.  In fact, it may

 be necessary to encounter the defeats so you can know who you are, 

what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it."  

~Maya Angelou~

And so it approaches...August 23rd...

In 2003, this date was both an ending and a beginning.  Twelve years later, my introduction into this thing called recovery seems like a lifetime ago. Each year as I mark this date, I find myself reflecting on where I was then, and where I find myself now.  Particularly since stumbling onto this beautiful and sometimes challenging spiritual path, I often ask myself what it all means...you know, life, love, happiness, success, humility, generosity, clarity, staying sober...what does it all mean for me now?   How do my life experiences, past and present, serve the awakening of my heart?  How can they serve the awakening of hearts everywhere?  More and more, these are the important questions.

This year has been, without at doubt, the most difficult year I have faced since a catastrophic addiction to all things soul numbing landed me in the back of a police cruiser looking at the very real possibility of 10 years in prison. I have endured losses this year that I was completely unprepared for on my best day.  Crazy, gut wrenching losses in quick succession.  I lost my beautiful and beloved mother...the one person in the world that I was certain that I would never be able to live without.  In the midst of the shattering grief, I lost the trusted and valued therapist that was holding me together when it felt like I was breaking into a million tiny pieces.  I lost confidence in relating to other people and feeling like I was worthy of love and care.  I lost faith in my ability to perform at work, take care of myself  and, some days, I lost hope that anything could ever be ok again. There have been days that the best I could do was take a shower.  There have been days that I have scoped out bridges to jump from.  I have spent days at a time convinced that I would drown in the waves of grief and the acidic, searing pain washing over me.  My sobriety has been tested more in the past twelve months than it has been in all of the twelve years that I have been in recovery.  On a number of fronts, failure has been a bit of a traveling companion over the past year.  More than once, I have sat down to tea with the hungry ghosts of addiction...and still, I am in recovery...

I am in recovery, because falling short has given me the information that I needed to get back up, put one foot in front of the other, and walk away from what does not serve and run toward what does.

I am in recovery because I have learned not to make myself the villain or the victim in any story.  I have not battered myself with lies about being stupid or bad or crazy, but instead, have been honest and friendly with myself in the exploration of the triggers, and the conditioning, and the circumstances that have led me to stumble along the way.

I am in recovery because all of the work that I have done in the last twelve years has kicked into high gear...driving me to reach out to my community of supportive, loving others who consistently guide me out of the narrow alleys and remotest back roads of my mind and remind me that, no matter how far I've come, the plunge to the bottom is always way shorter than the climb to the top.

I am in recovery because, through it all, I have somehow managed to keep the dimmest spark of light in my sightline as I navigate through the dark, murky mazes of grief and uncertainty.

I am in recovery, because, regardless of any failure, there have been so many victories. Every challenge that I have faced this year has driven me to become more engaged and committed on my own spiritual journey.  I have found comfort and refuge in prayer and teachings and sangha.  My practice has deepened exponentially as I have grown in the ability to pay attention and accompany myself through the reality of what is right here, right now, no matter what.   "Forgiven, forgiven" and "This too" and "It's ok" have become my mantras and my heart's companions as I purposefully practice the most radical self compassion that I can call up on a moment to moment basis.

I am in recovery because the gratitude in my heart keeps it beating even on the worst days.  Gratitude for the love that surrounds me every day - the love of family, friends, teachers, and even strangers on the path.  Gratitude for the people that have given me chances I didn't deserve, offered their presence and held space for me when all I could do was weep...or stare...or ramble on and on making no sense at all, and those that cheered me on when I thought I couldn't take another step.  Gratitude for the Three Jewels and the refuge that I find there.  Gratitude for forgiveness and grace.

I am in recovery because I remember to pause more often than I forget. And every time I do...every time I give myself the chance to reflect upon what is in front of me, I give myself the opportunity to make a different choice...a wiser choice...a kinder choice...a loving choice that will serve my heart and my deepest intention to be clear in mind and my longing to be strong in spirit.

I am in recovery because, somewhere along the line I realized that healing isn't an event...it happens in each moment.  One moment, identification with brokenness may be strong, and in the next moment, it may not.  The moments that I am not identified with it will multiply over time...and maybe fall away again...it's a balance.  The middle way...

I am in recovery because I have finally found my way into trusting the goodness and wisdom of this wrecked, scarred, fractured heart.  Everything I seek is already here...it's already inside of me.  There is gold under the clay...no matter how ugly it looks from the outside.  I remember, and forget, and remember again...

I am in recovery because I know that, in the practice of rigorous, uncompromising honesty, both my failures and my successes - and the lessons they bring - may ripple out to others...strengthening their recovery and reaching out into a larger community in a way that brings healing and awakens compassion.

The thing about failure is...well, it gives us information...it motivates us to do better...it brings us face to face and right up close with what doesn't work...and helps us to remember what does...

Really, it's all just feedback...showing us where we need to pay deeper attention.

Twelve years on and still so much to learn...

May these words find their way to the addict who still suffers
And those working this often imperfect program of recovery
And to all of those who love and support us
May our growing love and compassion 

Fill and satisfy the hungry ghosts that haunt us

May we be held in grace and lovingkindness

And may these broken hearts know wholeness and peace...

May every heart everywhere know wholeness and peace...
May all beings everywhere awaken and be free